Xavier Copperfield

"My friends, I will be conducting a seminar at the Radisson next weekend titled Everything You Need to Know to Survive Your First Year of Living. Please enjoy the following freebie lesson.


FOOD DILEMMA
1. Assess the Situation

"Ugh, I'm stuffed. Look at all this food that I still need to finish. Do dad and mom honestly think I can cram this all into my tiny little frame?"


2. Set the Stage

"This watermelon is so good that I'll just have to have another piece right now. Yes I will."
Note: Accomplice at the ready.


3. The Palm

"Check out this monster bite dad."
Note: Misdirection with the left hand to the mouth. Food hidden perfectly in palm of right hand.


4. The Ditch

Nothing going on here. Nothing at all.


5. The Sell

"Hmm Mmm. That sure is some good watermelon. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just eating me some watermelon. All by myself."


6. Recap

"End scene. Did you see it? If I'm right, you've probably never knowingly seen a master at work, which means you'll probably need to scroll back up to see exactly when I made the ditch to Molly. Don't be embarrassed if you need to scroll through more than once to get it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the artistry and professionalism that I forget to slow it down to create educational value. Anyhow, this is just one of many lessons I will..."

PPPFFFFTTTTT!!!!



"Molly! Dog farts! Really?! I'm trying to build up some cred here! That's it, next time I'm using Estelle. She's got more street smarts than you and can handle people food without vaporizing the dining room. "

1st Birthday!!! (Part Two)

"Why is my food on fire?"



"Thanks for the cupcake mom. Now let's see... how to attack this... should probably try to steer the hands clear of that sticky icing on top..."



FAIL



"Eh, so what if my hands are dirty, I'll still probably take this thing down in one bite, two bites tops."



"Bite number one. Reminder number forty three that it's my first birthday. Finger in the air!"



"Somethings not right here. The picture of this moment in my mind clearly shows my jaw unhinging to put this thing away. Might need the left pointer finger after all..."



"Or not... icing on left hand drying... finger stuck..."



"Whoa, icing going straight to brain. Sugar rocketing through my veins. Dad, help me out with the rest of this please."



"Open wide."



"Now we both have icing beards. Thanks for the assist dad. What can I say, some of us just can't handle our cake."



"Just ask cousin Kara."



"A quick wet towel to the face, grab my second wind, and let those who might have arrived late know: It's my first birthday! Count the finger!"

1st Birthday!!! (Part One)

"Hey everybody, I'm one year old! I can't believe how many people have shown up for my party! This is so exciting! Thanks for putting this together for me mom."



"OK, first things first. Party etiquette says that I need to make the rounds. Mom, when you're ready, let's mingle."



"Hi Aunt Lori. Nice to see you, thanks for coming out. It's... what the heck is James doing over there? Hey James! Take it easy on my ride!"



"OK James, grab the wheel and I'll do the rest."



"Grandma! Thanks for stopping by. Wave for the camera, they're taking our picture. Nicely."



"Granny Annie! Glad you could make it, hope the drive out was smooth. When you're done with the giraffe there's hors d'oeuvres and refreshments in the kitchen."



"Hey Lauren, nice to see ya. Bryn, you look lovely in that dress. I saved a special spot in the fridge for your similac. That's how we do."



"Uncle Robby! Dude, I'm one year old. Count the finger. Oh, and big ups to your wife for all these great decorations!"



"Okay, mingling on hiatus. I know I saw a whole bunch of colorful bags in the living room. To the presents!"



"Look at all this loot... it's almost dizzying."



"Bugs! Lots and lots of bugs! And a mouse laptop!"



"Funtime carnival playset! Light-up workbench! James! Where's my hammer?!"



"All these great gifts... being crushed under the weight of happiness. Must push on. Thanks for the awesome clothes Uncle Matt."



Matt: "No prob."



Daily affirmation pep talk
"(Focus, catch your breath, so much more to open, you're doing great.)"



"What the... seriously?! Bravo Aunt Jill."



"Thanks for the present Grandma, now how bout we adjourn to the grilling area before I eat all my loot."



"Good grub, good company, good times."



"Does anyone else smell something burning?"

...To be continued...

The Man in the Mirror

The following is an outtake from North Carolina.



"Is breakfast almost ready Dad? I'm getting kinda... hold on a minute... that kid looks really familiar."



"Hey Dad, are you seeing this? That kid looks just like me. I mean, JUST like me."


"Creepy. He's looking right at me. It's like he's staring into my soul."



"Seems friendly enough though. And his friend keeps taking our picture."



"Wait a minute. Nevermind. False alarm. Let's eat."

A Taste of Molly

So our son is a carnivore. Not only does he absolutely love his two dogs, he apparently also loves how they taste.



Headfirst lunge into deliciousness. That 's quite a grip he has there on her ribs too. Despite all his effort he only came out of this endeavor with a mouthful of hair.



I get the impression that he's gonna be one of those guys who orders his steak rare by telling the server that, "I want it so rare that you can just run the cow by the table and I'll rip off a hunk".